E33: The Psychology of the Pleasure Dom

Have you ever wondered about the intriguing world of Pleasure Domination, or how to optimize pleasure and communication within relationships? Prepare to have your curiosity satisfied, as we have an enlightening conversation with Chief and Moineau, exploring the fascinating dynamics of a Pleasure Dom and the importance of prioritizing the well-being of the submissive partner, even when they seek pain. We delve into the nuances of creating a safe, consensual environment, and how this contrasts dramatically with the typical perception of a Dom who focuses primarily on pain.

Navigating relationships where one partner has a kink that the other doesn't may seem like a challenge, but don't fret. We offer insights on how the Pleasure Dom approach can bridge this gap. We venture into the territory of effective communication and language, discussing how to express your desires, avoid feeling resentment and ensure both partners feel valued. Get ready to discover how a Pleasure Dom's focus on giving pleasure can lead to a satisfying experience for both the Dom and their submissive partner.

Lastly, we describe techniques that maximize pleasure. We touch on the need to be responsive to your partner's reactions during a scene and how to hone in on their kinks. 

While Pleasure Domination might seem like a niche topic, the conversation highlights the universal importance of understanding and satisfying your partner's needs, effective communication, and maintaining a consensual environment in any relationship. Tune in for a captivating exploration of Pleasure Domination and its potential to enrich your relationship dynamics.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Chief: Hello and welcome to another episode of Conversations with a Dom. Today we're going to be talking about the Pleasure Dom. What is a Pleasure Dom? Might you be one? How do you be one? And everything to do with that.  

 This was an article I recently wrote on the blog because... I saw a lot of people were searching for this term and it wasn't really a term that I use often or that I come across often But when I started looking at what people actually meant when they were talking about a pleasure dom It does suit my style of dominance quite accurately and describes it So we're going to talk a little bit about that. 

I'm joined with joined by Mwano As usual, but she is remote this time. She is in a different location. So in a little bit of a patchy area of wifi. So if it does stay there, you're just going to curse it. Yeah. Well, I'm hoping it'll have the opposite effect and it'll, it'll prove me wrong and be solid all the way through. 

So yes. Hello. How are you doing today? Hello. I'm well. It's strange. We've not done one remote. We haven't done one when you've not been, been here. Did  

[00:01:34] Moineau: one with someone else was it with Rosa? 

Oh  

[00:01:38] Chief: yes, you're right, you're right. We  

[00:01:40] Moineau: had a call or interview, and I was somewhere else.  

[00:01:45] Chief: Yes, I remember. Yes, but it's been a while. It has, it has. And we were just discussing our favorite topic, cock warming as well. How we need to do more of it. Sunday, it's a Sunday. We're recording this. Me complaining that we're not doing enough of it. 

I know, and it's a Sunday. It's a perfect time for cock warming, because There's the rugby on, there's the Formula One on, so perfect time for hours of cock warming fun. But you have COVID, so this is why you're not here. . We could just mask you up and you could I don't know if you can transmit it mouth to cock. 

Well, I was  

[00:02:19] Moineau: saying that we just had to turn around and make sure we were doing doggy. Yeah. You know. There'll be a thing just don't have any breathing. Well, that was one  

[00:02:28] Chief: of the Asphyxiation. 2020 there was the, the when they introduced, they were gonna say no sex or something, but then everyone, yeah, was talking about positions that would work for it. 

Do you remember that? Seems ages ago. Alright, anyway, pleasure doms. So my definition of a pleasure dom is essentially a person who, who is the dominant partner, but they focus more on providing pleasure and fulfilling the desires of their submissive partner and they prioritize the physical and emotional well being of their submissive and aim to create a safe and consensual environment for exploration and play. 

So in other words, we talk about the stereotypical type of how the media depicts a dom and how I thought about What it means to be a Dom for a long time and that was that the Dom is the one obviously who has the power and they are Telling the sub to do stuff but for their own benefit So everything the sub does is to give pleasure to the Dom So in that instance, the, the Dom is taking quite often in that style of relationship, and perhaps the Dom is doing things to the sub who the sub has obviously consented, but maybe the sub isn't maybe it's not their preferred activity, if that makes sense or maybe they're both super into pain which can be pleasurable, but, that. 

You know, pleasurables, if you know what I mean, whereas the pleasure dorm, they construct scenes and they, although the one in charge, they really, really want to understand what it is that turns their partner on and they focus on creating scenes and creating experiences that. Emphasize that and the pleasure aspect, I guess it's more to do with giving orgasms and giving nice sensations and nice feelings to their sub rather than the pain side of things. 

So yeah, Marno, what, how does that resonate with you? Does that, do you think that describes our dynamic? What are your thoughts?  

[00:04:43] Moineau: Well, I think you're kind of touching on two different points there, the pleasure versus pain element to it, but then also the focusing on the sub's desires and sensations over the Dom's desires. 

So you meshed both of them together, and yeah, I'd say both of those could be aspects of a pleasure Dom style of dominance, but I think they're, you're talking about two things at the same time. So, do you want to focus on one and the other, or do you want to intermingle both?  

Both of them work. But when you were giving your example, I noticed there are two different categories of... I don't know what it is to be a dom Mm-Hmm. Are you giving pleasure? Sure. But it then, is that pleasure rooted for the dom's needs versus the subs needs? 

Are they the same?  

[00:05:45] Chief: I was trying to say is that the, pleasure is for the submissive. So the dominant is giving pleasure for that. Yeah. Now, the, the dom enjoys. The activities, but they're the main source of enjoyment is from knowing that their partner is getting the enjoyment, for example, spanking. 

Like we've talked about this before. I don't really get much out of it. And if I was with another partner who didn't enjoy spanking, I wouldn't really, I wouldn't protect do it that often, but because I know it gives you pleasure, I do it and that gives me a sense of satisfaction.  

[00:06:20] Moineau: Yes, and I agree with that, and I think that's part of being a pleasure dom, but then you also talked about giving pleasure over pain. 

Mm hmm. And what if you have a submissive who really desires to receive pain? You're a pleasure dom. You're not focused on the pain and you're focused on giving pleasure to the sub. If the sub's desire is pain, then can you be a pleasure dong when you focus  

on  

[00:06:50] Chief: that desire? Yeah, I get you. I get you. Is it, is it I was thinking that way. 

Yeah, I, it's a difficult one. I don't know. And again, with all of these labels. It's easy to get caught up on them, so there's no formal definition of any of this stuff and it's one of the things I see on, on, I get emailed about and I get to see it on the, on our discord server. People get too caught up on what type of sub am I? 

What type of dom am I? Oh, I'm this type of dom. That means I can't do this. You can do whatever the hell you want, whatever, whatever you like to do in your relationship. And so, yeah, you're right. A pleasure dom, does it mean that you could never give pain and you always have to give pleasure? Or is it really that if the submissive likes something that involves pain, then as a pleasure dom, you can give that because it's giving pleasure to the submissive. 

So yeah, I don't know. There's, I don't think there's a right answer. What do you think? I think it's  

[00:07:45] Moineau: both. You know, and what you were explaining it before, I think you did point at both sides of things, but when you think of yourself as a pleasure dom, if you want to accept that label, then what is it that you're focused on? 

Are you focused on getting sensations of pleasure or are you focused on your subs needs? And so then you're calling that idea. The idea of being a pleasure dom.  

[00:08:18] Chief: Yeah, I think it's the latter. I think I'm more focused on really getting to know what it is that the sub likes, and giving them that, and that may not necessarily be physical pleasure. 

It may be that they're getting mental pleasure from pain. But... Or discipline, yeah, yeah, or, or discipline, the same, you know, but but at the same time, it could, it could, it could, like you say, it could be interpreted as you only ever, someone who's a pleasure doll really enjoys the pleasure, giving the physical pleasure side of things so, you know sensory play, feather play, light touch, orgasms, orgasms. 

Yeah, that kind of stuff, which is all physical pleasure, physical sensations, relaxing, nice sensations, and never do any of the pain. And they could call themselves a pleasure dom and maybe they were the sub who likes that, but may also like some pain, and the dom will say, Oh, I'm a pleasure dom, I can't do any, I can't do any spanking, because that's not, that's not necessarily physical, physically pleasurable. 

It's psychologically pleasurable, but yeah, and again, this is the trouble with labels. That you can. You can do interpret it however you want, but I think the main focus for me is that the pleasure dom, and I think all dominance should do this anyway, but sadly they don't, they should be thinking about, they should really know what the sub is into, and they should be, at least on some occasions, working to create scenarios where they are giving that to their submissive, ideally All the time, and it should be a mixture, you know, 50 percent of the time the Dom is getting what they want, 50 percent of the time the Sub is getting what they want, and in theory, if you're compatible, then, because you both like the same things, you should, it should always be 100 percent of, you know, both people getting what they want, although, you know, there's no perfect match, so it's never going to be 100%. 

I don't  

[00:10:21] Moineau: know, though, if it's possible to ever find someone who's completely compatible with their own sexual... Agreed, agreed. Trying to make some, think of some fairytale coupling where your sexual compatibility is going to be 100 percent the same as your partner's, in which case you're giving and receiving 50 percent of the exact sex that you enjoy. 

I, I don't know if it's worth thinking about it in those  

[00:10:47] Chief: terms. Yeah, agreed. I do think about it a lot though. That's an impossibility. I think, what's the number? Like if someone is 30 percent compatible sexually with me. That's probably a no. Like is 70 percent okay? Where's the, where's the sort of I guess there's, it's, I, I'm too analytical. 

So I try and put a number on it, but it's because again, the reason I'm bringing this up, cause I do get questions from people who are like, Oh, I really like this thing, but my partner doesn't, what should I do? And the answer. Well, talk to them about it first of all, because they may not even know you're into it. 

But if they do and then they're not into it, then you have a decision to make. Like how important is that thing that you want to do? How, how, how essential is it a fetish of yours as in a need? Like you have to have it. Then of course that's not a good match. But if it's something you're like, you know, kind of really want it, but. 

I don't need it then. Yeah. You have to maybe negotiate and find something that's that's more compatible with, with. It gives you the same feelings, but a different activity perhaps. So, yeah, I'm kind of thinking it from that sort of times.  

[00:11:58] Moineau: Also, you have to think about like, how necessary is it that you're sexually compatible with your partner in the first place? 

How high up on your list of means is that sex compatibility for you? I'm, you know, just throwing out as a hypothetical, like, I think it's perfectly possible to have a really good relationship with someone that you're not so sexually compatible with as long as there's communication in there and as long as you're able to have an open sort of conversation about, okay, if we're not sexually compatible, how can we still get these needs met of ours that we want to have met? 

And is it something that is necessary? In which case, you know, maybe it's about on playing up the relationship or attending play parties where you can have experiences with other people, or you can have your own solo time. So I think it reminds me of like Emily Nagoski's book, The Come As You Are, where There are always going to be times where your sexual compatibility is not going to be completely on par with your partner. 

But there are ways that you can work through it and you just have to navigate that and say, how do you want that experience to play out together? Yeah, if you want it to be something that is You know, if you want to continue in the partnership, then you're going to have to negotiate somehow.  

[00:13:19] Chief: And it is a difficult conversation for most people. 

Like we, we talk about non monogamy about as though it's. Quite natural, but we have to remember it. We're very much in the minority and for a lot of people, yeah, but I think, but we're kind of, we have that, I don't know. We just have that world paradigm where it's an okay thing. Whereas I think for 99. 9 percent of the world even their partner looking at another. Person is cheating or consider cheating is going to lead to an argument and stuff. So yeah, I, I don't know what a couple who is monogamous, they are monogamous. How they, how they navigate that where there's, there's a kink that one person really likes and, and the other doesn't. 

[00:14:06] Moineau: Well, with pleasure Dom idea maybe that is a way to kind of overcome that it could be used. You know what I mean?  

[00:14:21] Chief: , if you're a pleasure dom and you really, really get off on giving your partner pleasure, then pretty much anything the partner wants to do, you'd be like, yeah, because you really enjoy giving them pleasure, so you want to give them what they want. 

So I'm still catching my breath.  

[00:14:38] Moineau: Well, how is that from an experimentalist? Someone who's just keen and gung ho and like, yeah, let's try it. Like, do you actually, like, if Pleasure Dom, if you get really turned on by your partner receiving Pleasure or or them enjoying pleasure. I don't know like what how is that different from someone who's just very like keen and enthusiastic  

[00:15:02] Chief: Well, I guess the difference is that it's you giving them the pleasure I think like for example if if you were into if you got turned on by someone else Someone else giving your partner pleasure, like a cuck hold situation. 

I wouldn't say that's a pleasure Dom because they're not the one in control. So they're not the dominant one in that situation. Whereas that might be more of a experimentalist type of attitude, maybe. But I think, for me, the Pleasure Dom, they get a sense of satisfaction of giving the pleasure, and of orchestrating the scenes that give, that give the pleasure, but I think they do, they definitely have their boundaries, so, what they're doing, the activities that they're doing, it's not a free for all, it must fit into, The activities that they like to do rather than just getting the list from the sub of all the activities they like, and then picking from it and doing it. 

I think the pleasure dom has to enjoy the activities as well.  

But yeah, again, it's just a signpost, isn't it? The label. I'm trying to, I'm trying to actually think of examples of things that we We don't agree on in terms of kinks. There's not that much well  

[00:16:20] Moineau: You are more of an exhibitionist and voyeur than I am. Do you think? Much more, certainly, of a voyeur and a bit of an exhibitionist. 

[00:16:31] Chief: I don't know if you really like, oh, because you like the being shown off, but is that not  

[00:16:37] Moineau: exhibitionist? I'm able to, I'm able to, I'm able to let myself enjoy. Exhibitionism, if I keep the focus on the idea you are showing me off as a type of you know, of ownership, possession, property, sort of, that, that If I keep that theme in my mind, then I can enjoy it more, otherwise I wouldn't be keen on exhibitionism, it doesn't do anything for me. 

So the idea that, it's highlighting your dominance, and it's highlighting the fact that you are my dominant and I'm being submissive to you. And that you feel proud enough to show that off to others. That I enjoy about the exhibitionism. Otherwise, exhibitionism on its own, no  

[00:17:28] Chief: thanks. That's a great example of not a pleasure, Dom. 

Because 

I'm doing it because I enjoy it, and you enjoy it because it... Highlights my dominance, but it's not I'm not doing it because because I'm trying to give you I am trying to give you pleasure But it's more that I enjoy doing it. So I would do you see what I mean? That's definitely something I wouldn't necessarily categorize as pleasure dorm activities  

[00:17:59] Moineau: Although it can become a pleasure don't if the whole point is that you are like whispering in my ear the idea of like showing me off And such, you know, if you're, if you're playing into what I like about it in my  

[00:18:16] Chief: head. 
 

Yeah, 

Again, there's no formal definition, so this is just my subjective. I still think that for a, for a pleasure dorm. It's, it's the sub need comes first, and then Dom gets pleasure from that, versus I really like doing exhibitionism, and therefore, by doing it, you get pleasure, because then your pleasure is secondary to that activity. 

It's important, but it's... And I do it because I know you like it as well, but it's not the main, it's not the thing that would give you the ultimate pleasure if you knew, because, yeah, do you know what I mean? I'm trying to, I'm not explaining this very well. No, I do.  

[00:19:05] Moineau: I know what you mean, but I, why be a pleasure bomb then? 

Like, why make your needs secondary? That seems sad to me in, in one aspect. Yeah. Like, thank you. Thank you for the pleasure, but also like, I want your needs To feel just as valuable to you as  

[00:19:27] Chief: mine. Well, they are, but it's, it's, it's, it's, and some would say, well, it's almost submissive because you're giving to the other person. 

But I, but I don't see it like that. It's kind of like, why do you get pleasure from giving massages? It's like your, the primary aim is for the other person because you know, they enjoy it, but you get something out of it as well. Like you get a sense of satisfaction or something comes from it. So it's. 

That I think that's as a pleasure, Dom, like if I can give you orgasm, I get a sense of satisfaction. I'm like, Oh yeah, I can, you know, I know the things to do and the buttons to push and I I'm able to control, it's still a control thing. I'm in control of it and I'm pushing your buttons mentally and physically to to create the ultimate sensations for you. 

So  

[00:20:20] Moineau: really it's like it's like getting a really good. Grade at school or whatever. It's trying to get that 100 percent in terms of like peak efficient satisfaction and enjoyment. If you know that your partner is reaching those peaks, then that actually reflects better on your performance. Yes. 100 percent So well, well done you. 

Yeah. In a little round of applause, you know how to give your partner pleasure. Yeah. So that, that reflects. Yeah. Well,  

[00:20:51] Chief: on you. So it means that I'm good. I'm doing something right. Well, yeah, otherwise it would be a sub, I guess I'd be the sub otherwise. Right. So there's still a, there's still an ego thing in it for me and for, for Dom's, I think, and we were talking about this before we started recording, but it, you gotta be careful. 

It doesn't stray into what I call nice guy territory. And if you, if you, I used to be. That I would want to prove that I was great in bed and so I would all my focus would be on giving the other person orgasm or pleasure of some of some sort and as a result, I wouldn't ask for what I wanted and. At first that was fine because I'd get, I'd get a low an ego boost from knowing that, you know, I was able to give this person pleasure in ways that maybe they hadn't had before, or at least that's what they said, who knows. 

But, you know, I got, I got that validation, but as that went on, I was thinking, well, yeah, this is a bit superficial. Yeah, they're enjoying it, but. When are they gonna give me pleasure because, because yeah, I, I enjoy giving pleasure, but I'd much rather just sit back and them give me an orgasm, right? In some ways. 

So you have to be careful. That if, if you, if you want to be a pleasure Dom, absolutely, but make sure that you are not just doing it purely for the ego and that you are getting pleasure in return, you're not just doing it to prove to your partner that you're the best at something. And that's definitely a trap that I've fallen into in the past. 

And it was a great book. No more, Mr. Nice guy that proves that, oh, that talks about this and you'll find you, you'll know, because you'll do it in other areas of your life as well. You will, you will let people walk over you a little bit and you will always be agreeing to what others say. A classic situation is you go out with a group of mates and you need to choose a restaurant and you've got an idea but you won't share it or you won't put your case forwards because you don't know if your other four mates. 

Like that kind of thing. And you don't want to take the fall if they did say, yeah, let's go to that restaurant. And then it was terrible. And that's a classic nice guy tendency, right? Whereas a normal guy would probably just say, Oh yeah, let's, let's go here. Should be great. And would be okay if their mate said, nah, I've been there, it's rubbish. 

Or they'd be okay with, yeah, let's try it out. And it ended up being shit. They'd be fine with that. So if you find, if you find you like that, you maybe have the same tendencies in sex. And that's not really what we're talking about here in terms of pleasure. That's more just being too nice and not being able to talk about your wants and desires in a, in a. 

In a good, healthy way, and you will become resentful and you will resent the other person eventually and your partner for not giving you what you want. And they don't, they have no idea. They've no idea that this is happening in your head because to them they're getting lots of pleasure and you seem to be enjoying giving them pleasure. 

So why would they change that up? 

[00:24:07] Moineau: Well, I, I think the resentment is a big a big issue like. That's a great way to blow up a relationship right there if you're harboring some resentment that's building every single time you are being intimate because you, you guys are not communicating and, but, or that you are acting on the, the the assumption that you are doing what your partner wants. 

Mm-Hmm. . And in that same process, you are not meet, meeting your needs. Well, no wonder the relationship's going to break down if you're just trying to feed. Your partner's needs to try to keep the relationship even without focusing on yours, then it is going to fall apart. Or it's very, I mean, or, I mean, maybe not to be so drastic, but like, like, yeah, there's definitely going to be issues there. 

[00:24:57] Chief: And I've seen this happen where, and I've had it in the past, where let's say you've got two people. One person says to the other, would you like me to go down on you? Now, the way that's phrased. The partner doesn't know. Are they saying that because they really want to go down on me, for them? Or are they saying that because they think I want them to go down on me, and so they're actually doing something they don't really like, but they're doing it for me? 

And so the partner isn't sure, so says... Yes, because they think the partner really wants to do it. So you get into this situation where both people are doing something they don't, they never really wanted to do both thinking the other person really wants to do it. I've seen that happen a lot. And the way around that is, is to change the wording you use. 

You say, if you really want to go down to someone, you say, Hey, I really love going down on you, I would like to right now, would that be okay? Because then it's clear to your partner that They actually want to do this for themselves and that would be taking, I believe, on the will of consent and therefore the other partner can then be, I guess, and they may, the other partner may not like it that much, but because they know their partner wants to do it, we'll, we'll agree. 

And likewise you could, so the way you phrase stuff is really important. I mean, we're getting a little bit off topic here, but. Well, it's  

[00:26:12] Moineau: all, it's all related to this idea of, of giving pleasure to partners. And one is that pleasure. For yourself as an individual versus one, is it? For purely for the partner and is there a way to find that equilibrium so that it can be something that's healthy and enjoyable to both people? 

[00:26:36] Chief: I still find it hard to ask for what I want, for sure, for sure. And I think that's probably somewhat what attracted me to being a Dom because I do have a dominant personality, but there's still this, I've talked about it before, there's still a part of my mind that's like. Asking for what I want is bad and I shouldn't, I shouldn't do that. 

And I know logically that doesn't make any sense, but part of my subconscious is like, you shouldn't, you shouldn't be asking for what you want. It's too demanding of other people. It's too selfish. And so I've had to work to get over that. And it's a constant thing I'm trying to do. So asking for what you want in bed, I think a lot of people struggle and it is, and some people struggle because they find it embarrassing or shameful to ask. 

I think I'm over that. I don't think that's the problem. The problem is that I feel it's selfish. So that's sort of my hurdle that I'm, that I'm overcoming.  

[00:27:31] Moineau: It's really interesting because one, I think if you peel back the layers enough, I mean, the core thing that is satisfying or that you're trying to satisfy in your dominance, is essentially the same thing or very similar to the thing that I try to satisfy and that lots of subs try to satisfy in their submission as well. 

I think it's really interesting when you start thinking like when you go down to the deep level, dominance and submission, Yes, there are these big terms that people play with about power and balance in a relationship, but at the core, it's people trying to satisfy their needs in their relationship in a way that is pleasing to the partnership as a whole. 

And that can happen as a dominant or submissive or neither, you know, you can, you can switch. But it is funny how like we, we get so rooted into the idea of being dominant or submissive when like When you get back to that like core desire that you're trying to satisfy. Mm-Hmm. . Oftentimes it's the exact same. 

Yeah. That you're both wanting to feel desired and loved and cared for in the relationship. Mm-Hmm. . You're just approaching it from different angles and you're using little mind tricks on ourselves that we use all the time to be like, I can meet this need through ask through being the one in charge. 

Or, I can meet this need through being the one that's being taken care of.  

[00:29:01] Chief: Yeah, it's two sides of the same coin. It's, it's both people trying to get their needs met, like you said, but through this, almost the same needs of being the fundamental needs that everyone has to be loved, to be liked, to, you know, get, get, I guess, pleasure be wanted, be desired, be loved. 

And they're just, we're just coming at it from different ways. So, I mean, we got quite deep not necessarily very practical for people who are a pleasure dom. So I'm just going to whiz through maybe a couple of practical things,  

[00:29:35] Moineau: yeah, all right, you pleasure dom, what  

[00:29:38] Chief: is what? Oh, I feel on the spot now. Yeah, so, I mean, any, any activity can be made to be, to give pleasure pretty much. It's all about the intent that, by which you, you give it. But, some common ones, I guess, would be things like basic things, blindfolding, using feathers. Maybe ice and wax play potentially, cause it's kind of sensations, although I know ice is a hard limit for you. Sensation massage. So sort of pussy massage, vulva massage, that kind of thing. Having music on maybe to set the mood, light touch oral, kissing, the kind of just, just the stuff that is probably normal sex really, I guess, not. 

Doesn't sound that, that dominant at all, right? You're smiling. Do you, what? You guess. Well, I, I mean, I was going to give some... Moral sex, really, you guess. Well, yeah, I was going to give some specific examples of what I like to do. And I don't think I've asked your thoughts on it, but the thing that I like to do is is either oral or fingers on the clit whilst also fingers inside you, stimulating the G spot. 

And... Again, not, that's not necessarily a dominant thing, but I, I found that that most people like that it's, it's quite as a lot of simulation overload. So to describe it in more detail either lying between your legs or kneeling, probably more often kneeling to your side. So I'm kneeling to your left hand side. 

You're on your back. I've got one finger, two fingers. Rubbing your clit and then one start with one finger inside you making the sort of come here motion on your G spot and then moving up to two fingers, maybe sometimes three when you get super turned on, you can kind of put all three fingers in and kind of a quite a tight cluster and then slowly move like slowly spread them apart like a tripod. 

I don't know if you're aware of me doing this, but it kind of, cause three is quite a lot for most people. So I would just do, I would just do two and do the come here motion. But when you're, when you're super turned on three and then slightly spread them. So you're slightly spreading apart the muscles inside the vagina. 

And that can be, it can be too much for some people, but it. It depends. But I think the, the combination of the clit and the G spots and also the A spot, which is the anterior fornix, which is where the uterus meets the vagina, I guess at the top. Right. So you got the, I'm making hand signals here, but we're going to cut them off, but it's where the, by the cervix. 

Yeah. So the, the cervix people it's quite sensitive. Some people like having their cervix hit, but most people don't. It's quite painful, but where the vagina wall kind of at the if you, if you, if the person's lying on their back, it's kind of where Yeah, you're, yeah, so it's, it's the, the, the ceiling and it's, if you, if you reach past the G spot, keep your finger running along the top of the, the vagina, you'll eventually get to a little crevice at the back. 

Eventually, I mean. After, after a very long time. No, but it's, the thing is, it's quite hard, it's quite hard. And also when you, the more turned on you get, your cervix comes down. Yeah. And sort of rotates a little bit, so you might not be able to feel it. And you wouldn't want to do this if the person's not turned on. 

So it might take you a while and then eventually, you know, it's, it's probably, you have to use your longest finger and it's, it's quite a stretch. So you're pushing in with quite some force, but you eventually get to the crevice between the, the kind of the cervix opening and the top wall of the vagina. 

And just in there, if you get the person really turned on, you can. Yeah. And some people really like that sensation. So it's, it's, it's not the G spot. I call it the a spot. And rubbing there can be super intense and quite hard. You're kind of pulling towards you a little bit. Yeah, that's kind of my go to technique. 

Yeah, now you, yeah, you, as in me giving you oral or you cock calling?  

[00:34:07] Moineau: Yeah, at the same time, you were saying it in combination and I definitely approve.  

[00:34:11] Chief: Yeah, so, so sometimes I do it with my finger because I can get more control with my fingers on the clip. And also, again, I'm trying to think, if you've got your fingers there, your kind of chin gets in the way. 

If you, if you've got the fingers inside with your palm. Oh, complaining. I'm not complaining, I'm just describing it for people. So it's quite difficult to, to lick the clit and have your fingers inside someone at the same time because it kind of gets in the way. Especially. But it is possible. It is possible. 

Yeah, it is possible. Of course it's possible. So you kind of have to adjust a little bit. And sometimes if you raise, if a raise. Your hips up with something under, under you. It makes it slightly easier. And then if you want to go for the grand finale you can put a finger in there, the grand finale finger in the bum as well. 

Oh yeah. Yeah.  

[00:34:55] Moineau: Yeah. So you got,  

[00:34:57] Chief: yeah. Or just circling it on the outside. A lot of people like, again, all of this is consensual. You've got to agree that they like this kind of stuff and not everyone likes oral, not everyone likes being fingered quite hard. And I would say as well, the moat, it's not in and out. 

The motion is not in and out with your fingers. You kind of, if you think of us. How someone, a school kid might think of this. It's like, they're just kind of jabbing their fingers in and out. That's not what I'm doing here. You're kind of, you're going in, you're keeping the base of your hand pretty much all the way in, and you're just moving the tips of your fingers up and down towards the ceiling and down. 

Right. You're not, although you quite like the in and out occasionally, so I do do that as well. With the, with  

[00:35:43] Moineau: the one, actually with the one finger specifically, like not with the two. There's something very like, it, it's, cause I think it's such a subtle sensation, it's much, it's much softer. Yeah. So if you're going down on me, if you're looking at my clit and you're just doing the one finger in and out, it's so rhythmic. 

And it's rubbing in the right, right way that like, it's very relaxing. And because it's relaxing, I'm then able to become more turned on more easily and reach orgasm. Cause, cause I will struggle to reach orgasm if I'm anxious or thinking about. anything, then I struggle. And that because it's able to, the rhythm is really able to surpass all of that anxiety. 

And then I'm, I get turned on very easily. And then I'm able to orgasm really easily with that specific Movement.  

[00:36:43] Chief: And if you're tied up it helps as well, because then you Yeah, it helps if I'm tied up. It stops you thinking. Mm. Again, all of this Yeah, it actually  

[00:36:49] Moineau: like It's weird having my hands free when you're performing aural on me, because then I don't know I don't know what to do. 

I'm like Yeah. It's like in treading water or ocean or something, I'm flailing. What am I What are these arms doing? Mm. Do I Head? Do I? I mean, I try to keep them above my head just to get them out of the way, because otherwise, I, I, it, it bothers me. Yeah, having free, free arms.  

[00:37:21] Chief: Yeah, and all of this, I think, the, the, the Pleasure Dome will be more, again, I'm using that label, it doesn't really mean anything, but you, you know, go with it, will be very attuned, and I try to be very attuned, to how you are relaxed. 

Reacting in the moment, because you can't just learn, you can't just take that technique I've given you and just do it exactly as I've instructed, because it won't work. You've got to modulate everything, like how many fingers you use, when you do it, at what time it's appropriate, how fast you go, how hard you go, the pressure one minute, the pressure might be fine. 

The next it's not, you've really got to pay attention to the other person's body language and nonverbal. Signals or verbal signals, depending what they're going to give you to adjust as you go and find what your partner likes. But even what your partner likes will change in the moment from minute to minute. 

And that's when I think of a pleasured on, that's what this is what I mean by. You're trying to give the best experience to your partner, so you're very attuned to where they are in their mental and physical state, and you're adjusting your technique to, to, to take them where you want them to go. And I think that's, that's... 

That sounds quite  

[00:38:42] Moineau: nice, actually. Like, yeah. It sounds very, like a very mindful approach, like... It's a mindful, yeah. You're describing it when you're describing all those different things, that sounds like a whole lot to remember, like it sounds like a whole bunch of different... techniques and whatever. 

But if you think about how the idea is just responding to your partner in that moment, then it ends up being a great exercise in like, mindful presence, actually.  

[00:39:10] Chief: Yeah, it is. And, this is where I try to make the distinction between a pleasure dom and a, not a fake dom, but someone, being a dominant is not just doing what you want to the other person. 

Because a lot of people will just be like, I'm a dom and I'm gonna, I'm gonna do these techniques on my partner and they're gonna love it. Whereas, the pleasure dom is, is, and the normal dom wouldn't, or someone who's starting out or isn't that good. Won't they don't think about the other person. They they they're not monitoring all of this stuff. 

They're just they're just in their heads They're like I'm the dominant I get to do whatever I want to the other person I may not even be trying to give them pleasure I'm just trying to get myself off but even if they are trying to give them pleasure They're kind of going about it all wrong. Whereas yeah, I really like that that what you how you described it It's like being a mindful Dom You know, maybe that's, maybe that's more akin to what I'm trying to say, but it's about, I think the best doms are able to. 

Be very mindful and be very aware and hyper aware of how their partner is feeling at the time or at any moment. Maybe  

[00:40:25] Moineau: that's the difference. Then cause I mean, not to say that anyone can be a dominant, but like planning out a scene and performing a scene to your plan. Anyone can plan out a scene and perform it. 

to some capacity. But I think difference that turns a, a Dom into perhaps more of a pleasure Dom is being able to change that plan on a whim in response to your partner's reactions and to what they're saying in the moment. And if they're saying, if they're giving all the cues to say, keep going, or if they're asking to change it up you know, a regular DOM, if they're following their program, they're going to stick to their program, and that might be quite effective, and their sub will, you know, receive pleasure in that instance. 

But a pleasure dom is going to be more receptive to that feedback, and is going to be using that to then inform their scene, like, off the cuff, in the moment.  

[00:41:37] Chief: Yeah, maybe I'd say, I think, I think, I think what you're describing is the difference between a good and a bad Dom, because even if I was not a pleasure Dom, and it was all about, I was a sadist, and it was all about impact play, I would still be doing, I would still be very hyper attuned and monitoring my partner, I think the pleasure part of it is, so all good Dom should be monitoring their partner and be aware of their partner, but the pleasure part of it is that you're, you're doing it In the context of also giving the person pleasure and trying to maximize that pleasure. 

That makes sense. That's, that's how I see it.  

[00:42:19] Moineau: I mean, I like it. Whatever it  

[00:42:21] Chief: is, it works. Yeah. Yeah, again, these are all, these are all not real, not real terms. They're just, they're just things that we use to describe it to other people. Yeah. People get too caught up. And also, I like your point cause you, cause I've got emails. 

I think I showed you one. It was like a, someone emailed me a script that they'd written and it was like 20 pages long and they were asking me, will this work? Like if I go through these steps and I was like. I have no idea. I mean, in theory, yes, but you're not taking into account that the other person is a human being. 

And just think about yourself. Like when I, when you play with me, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't because it's, you can use exactly the same technique, but my head is in a different place or that one particular day, I need a slightly faster speed or whatever. So you can't just be. It can't be super scientific and go through the motions. 

You've got to learn the techniques or try different techniques and find the ones that work for your partner, but also know that you need to adapt those techniques on the fly. And if you're able to constantly monitor your partner, and again, orgasm isn't always the goal, but pleasure potentially is, is a pleasure, Dom. 

You, you, you, yeah, just get really good at reading your partner and, and talking to them, knowing, understanding how their mind works, what things they like, what things they don't like. Like, you've just given me that bit of information now that you like, that you really like the one finger because of the repetition. 

So I've now mentally banked that, so I now know, ah, that's... Kind of why they like it. So maybe I need to do more of that, or maybe I need to you know, play it, play around doing that for longer and see what happens. Right. And that's, whereas it, whereas there's someone like a fake, fake Dom would just ignore that bit of advice and just continue to do whatever they wanted to do because they like fingering. 

So they're going to keep doing it.  

[00:44:11] Moineau: The term fake Dom. I mean, this is slightly off topic, but I think it gets thrown around a lot. And I think. Can be a dom and maybe you're you're failing at some things or maybe you're not doing things really well I don't think that I think people like to use fake dom for anyone who claims they're a dom and is doing it in Some fashion poorly. 

Yeah, you're right or the other person and I'm like, that's it's just someone who needs to learn You know, you're all can all improve So, sorry,  

[00:44:43] Chief: that's a little No, you're right, you're right. A  

[00:44:45] Moineau: fakedom I think fakedom gets thrown around way too often. Yeah. Fakedom, for me, is purposefully... Going against people's boundaries and limits. 

It's not someone failing at it. That's just someone who  

[00:44:56] Chief: needs to learn. Yes, yes, you're right, you're right. Fake Dom is just kind of out very much for themselves. Manipulative and so on. Someone who's maybe has the best intentions, just not very good, is not a fake Dom. They just, they just need to learn a bit more. 

Which is hopefully what they're listening, why they're listening to this. 

[00:45:17] Moineau: Yeah, but I like your idea of pleasure dominance. I feel like I, I definitely benefit from that. I do worry that it's, it's even more pressure on you as, as a Dom. And then, you know, if you're not, if you're not asking for what you want, then, then it's all, all the focus ends up being about your partner. 

And that I think is. It's not really fair, you know, you deserve to have pleasure as well.  

[00:45:48] Chief: Of course, and it can, it can be a problem if, if it's, you're just, if I was the only one constantly giving you pleasure, but I, and I have done that in the past, but I don't think we do that at all. I think, if anything, you give me more pleasure than I give you because you're always offering massages and See, but I, I  

[00:46:04] Moineau: think, I, I don't know if we can even put a number on it, you know, like what, what counts as being a, As being a bit of pleasure that you're giving your partner, you know, is it, is it folding the laundry, is it making, is it giving an orgasm or head scratches, you know, I think it's hard to try to, to try, try to quantify pleasure. 

In that  

[00:46:30] Chief: respect. It is, it is. As long as both people are feeling that they're getting what they want and it's, it's not too one-sided, then I think that's, that's good. So yeah. Well, I mean, what are the, what are the takeaways here? The takeaways are one, the term pleasure dorm is a thing and it is used, but it can mean so many different things. 

There's no strict definition. It's just a label to help you describe. Some people might use the term romantic dom, soft dom. I think they're, they're kind of similar terms. I would probably use them all quite interchangeably, but these are just labels. They're just labels to help you describe what you want and what to someone else. 

But it's definitely my preferred style of dominance. It's. It's what I, how I prefer, like I like pleasure and we haven't, I don't know whether the, I think most people who would describe them, who wouldn't describe like everyday relationships, I think they're doing aspects of being a pleasure Dom without calling it BDSM or dominance, because it is just about giving good sex to your, to your partner. 

Right. Yeah, I  

[00:47:48] Moineau: think the difference. Between regular sex and then, and like being a pleasure Dom, is that you're doing it with a mindful intention where you know that you're still the dominant, you know, you're still playing into your role as dominant in our relationship and that's the difference. So there is a mindful element to it because yeah, anyone can give pleasure to their partner and in that moment. 

They are being a pleasure top, at least, if not a pleasure dominant.  

[00:48:24] Chief: Yeah, yeah, you're right. But you're right, maybe some of the activities... But  

[00:48:28] Moineau: it's when you're using that, yeah, when you're using that within the realm of the rest of your relationship that highlights power imbalance for the benefit of both partners. 

And that's what makes the difference between just giving pleasure and being in pleasures on  

[00:48:44] Chief: I would think yeah, I agree. I agree. So yeah, we talked about some of the techniques like, you know, as well light spanking can be involved, teasing, dirty talk, toys, like I'll often I really like I talk about all the time that the wand vibrator can be super, super good as a Pleasure dorm, because you can use it for so many different things. 

Anal, if you're into that, then plugs obviously great for doing the technique that I told you before, but with a, with a plugin as well. Yeah, ultimately it's just get, do a sex menu, find out what the other person's into and and work up.  

[00:49:22] Moineau: That's the key, isn't it? It's greeting your other partner and also talking to your other partner to make sure that they, that it's what they want. 

You can't really be a pleasure dom if you're not communicating with your partner and figuring out what, what it is that they, that they like in bed. Yeah.  

[00:49:38] Chief: Yeah. A hundred percent. You need to know, you need to know. If you want to know more about this kind of stuff, then please go to kinkyvents. co. uk. Scroll to the menu and there's a whole list of guides on all sorts of things. And you can read up on those, but also I spoke earlier about any activity can be made pleasurable depending on what, how you do it. And I always use the analogy of giving someone a kiss. Like if you, if you give them a soft brush on the lips versus jamming your tongue down their throat, it's both a kiss, but the way you've done it one. 

Would be more pleasurable. One would be more sort of dominant and you get the idea. So if you're, if you've been interested in what we're talking about, I have a book called sensational scenes and it goes into this kind of stuff, the much more psychological theoretical side of dominance and how you can use intent to. 

Give your partner what they want. Be that pleasure or be that whatever style of submissive they are. So go and check that out. You can find that at kinky events. co. uk forward slash book, I believe. And if not, then you can, again, you can find it in the menu. It's very, very reasonably priced. And there's even a couple of videos. 

If you go for the extended package showing us P it's not PG, but we've got clothes on demonstrating some of the spanking, it's not PG or it's 15. 18? Yeah. Maybe 15. But there's no nakedness. 18. I  

[00:51:09] Moineau: mean, let's not put an age rating on it. You know, we have our clothes on, but we are... Are demonstrating sexual acts that you can perform. 

[00:51:20] Chief: Yeah, yeah. A little bit of bondage, a little bit of spanking. There's a whole spanking scene and showing that with commentary. So yeah, go and check that out. Very reasonably priced, I believe. But I would say that I'm biased. But honestly, it's, it's, it's, you know, it's a couple of, couple of coffees. And then if you're a submissive listening to this and thinking, Oh, this is all the stuff Dom should do. 

Like what do I do in all of this? Well, maybe you want to. Make your partner more submissive, or you want to understand what your desires are so that you can explain them to your partner so that they can give them to you. So if, if that describes you, then check out our digital course, the art of submission, also available at kinky events. 

co. uk. We go into everything there about finding out. What your core desires are overcoming shame and guilt about what you want, communicating to a partner, finding a partner, building your own scene, you know, everything you could need to know as a beginner submissive to really explore this side of yourself in a in a, in a way that. 

Isn't it's just down to earth, right? Authentic. Yeah. Something like that. So, Moana, any final words? Keep the pleasure coming. Keep the pleasure coming. There we go. Coming hard. All right. Thank you, everyone. Hope you've enjoyed this and we'll talk to you soon. Bye. Bye.